


Edgy and Suicidal (I can't do titles)

by Wait_I_Cant_Read



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: "Enemies" to Friends to Lovers, Bisexual Harry Potter, Depression, Eventual "Romance", Gay Draco Malfoy, Implied Attempted Suicide, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Not Epilogue Compliant, Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Post-Second War with Voldemort, Post-War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 18:28:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13196010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wait_I_Cant_Read/pseuds/Wait_I_Cant_Read
Summary: After the Battle Of Hogwarts when everyone (Well, almost everyone) attends school for their seventh year of Hogwarts. Everyone is affected by its causes- and even though magic was used to repair the school- magic can’t repair the damage on the psyche.Slytherins are mostly all ashamed of what an alumni from their own house caused, and the other houses were in agreement of giving the green and silver students the cold shoulder. This on top of his family’s recent excommunication with the ministry Draco found himself more isolated than ever.**Or the one where Draco wants to commit suicide but is interrupted by that pesky Harry Potter.**





	Edgy and Suicidal (I can't do titles)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not the best writer, but here!

After the Battle Of Hogwarts when everyone (Well, almost everyone) attends school for their seventh year of Hogwarts. Everyone is affected by its causes and even though magic was used to repair the school magic can’t repair the damage on the psyche.

Slytherins are mostly all ashamed of what an alumni from their own house caused, and the other houses were in agreement of giving the green and silver students the cold shoulder. This on top of his family’s recent excommunication with the ministry Draco found himself more isolated than ever.

It was a brisk autumn afternoon, the sun was setting somewhere behind Draco as he stood tall with the wind rustling his hair. It was beautiful, he thought, a perfect sunset to be his last. The water in the creek below the bridge didn’t look to deep, but that’s what he wanted, isn’t it? He was hoping wherever he picked would be lonely and high enough to kill him but why was he now hesitating? No one was around, no one would even find him for a few days. Maybe even months, he laughed, maybe no one would even find him if he got swept in the current and eaten by some monstrosity in the lake. They’d all assume he ran away or by how quiet he’s been recently they’d think he was still alive and well and they just haven’t seen him in a few days since he’s been carried away with his studies.

There were footsteps behind him but Draco ignored them, assuming they were of a lost first year trying to find a way to sneak around the school at night. He leaned against the wall with his slender body against the pillar on the bridge he was next to to make himself seem more stable until the other person just past him.

That didn’t happen, however, since the footsteps died right behind him. He toyed with the thought that whoever it was came to push him but before he could even finish the thought they spoke, “Malfoy?”

“Potter?” He asked aloud and turned to face him. There behind him in his Gryffindor robes and scarf was the boy who lived. He had wide eyes and definitely knew what he was up here to do. Draco tried to ignore him for the first time in years and turned back towards the valley before him. Potter seemed to be frozen in place so after a moment he asked, “What do you want?”

“What are you doing?”

“I asked first.”

Potter stepped forward but was afraid to reach out to Draco. “I was just... taking a break from the hectic castle. I come out here whenever I need time to myself.”

“It must be nice to have people who still want to talk to you.”

“What?”

Draco shook his head trying to calm himself. It didn’t work and he swung around, “Everyone- including Goyle- dropped me the second they could. You,” he jumped down from the railing towards Potter, “are famous, anyone would want to be seen with you and everyone is enthusiastic to see you. I walk into a room and the conversation dies, you walk into a room and you are welcomed like a god.”

“I-I never asked for-”

Draco scoffed. “I know you didn’t, just like I didn’t ask for this mark,” he mumbled in reference to the tattoo on his left arm.

Potter had stepped back due to Malfoy’s confrontive motions. “What?”

“Don’t play stupid, Potter, that Granger had me figured out by the first semester.” He turned back to the railing and leaned against it. He sighed and closed his eyes to make sure he didn’t visibly acknowledge Harry leaning on the railing beside him. “Do you really want to know what I’m doing here?”

“I fear I already know.”

Draco ignored him and glanced at the rocks beneath them. “I was going to jump. Do you think this is high enough? If not I won’t waste my time. There’s a spell I’ve been wanting to try if this doesn’t pan out.”

“Draco...” He said, shocking the Malfoy. They never called each other by the first name so Draco looked up to see Harry with his mouth agape and fear in his meadow green eyes. “You... You can’t.”

He snorted. “Are you saying you’d actually miss me, Potter?”

“Of course I would!” His sincerity forced the mocking amusement from Draco to get cast away. He stood back, shocked at the very idea that someone other than his parents felt anything but hatred towards him- let alone that someone being the very person he spent his adolescence tormenting in hopes of getting his attention. Harry looked like he was trying to keep the water in his eyes, a hand slowly reaching out to touch his shoulder, “it may not seem like it, but I care about you.”

Draco had to look away, the eye contact being too much for him. “You’re just saying that. You have enough blood on your hands that you’ll do anything to prevent getting more.”

Harry made Draco look at him. “No. I care about you. Please do not jump.”

“Prove it.”

“P-prove? What?”

“Prove that you care about me.”

Harry drew back. He knew he cared for the boy but he wasn’t sure how to show it. He thought for a minute and finally put a hand out in silence. Draco hesitated but when he went to shake his hand, his hand was taken by Harry’s other one and he found himself getting dragged along as Potter pulled him towards the school. They were going at a walking pace but Draco still refused to walk in step with the superior Harry Potter. He kept his head bowed in shame as he was lead to the front of the school.

Before allowing himself to be taken inside he yanked his hand back, making Harry turn only to get motioned ahead. Malfoy followed closely behind Potter, cursing at himself under his breath for allowing himself to be taken to the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall. There Harry got welcomed by Granger, the youngest Weasley and a few others.

As expected, they fell silent when Granger and Draco met eyes. Harry pretended not to notice and put his hand to Malfoy’s back. “Do you guys mind if I invited someone to join us?”

“Him?”

“Yeah! I feel it was unfair of me to judge him so hard all those years ago so now I’m hoping to make amends and become his friend.” Harry motioned for Draco to sit, which he did hesitantly. It felt wrong to be on this side of the Great Hall and even wronger (if that’s a word) to be at the Gryffindor table of all them.

Granger stood and spoke softly as if Draco couldn’t hear her. “Can we speak, Harry?”

“Uh... Sure? About what?” He asked as if he hadn’t been expecting any sort of resistance at all.

“About...” she jerked her head to motion to Draco. She and Harry stepped away but Potter didn’t let them go far. “Why him? Don’t you remember what he has done to you?”

“Well, yeah, but-”

“Harry! He hurt you repeatedly!” At that Draco winced, “He tried to kill you.”

“Actually, that was the imperio curse not-” he lied.

“It doesn’t matter. Is this some sick prank?” Her eyes went wide and she put her hand to her chest. “Does he currently have you under the imperio curse? Blink twice if you-”

“Hermione. I’m fine. I just want to be his friend, what’s so wrong with that?”

Draco tried to pretend he wasn’t listening but judging by how Ginny was watching him carefully with her hand on her wand he knew he wouldn’t be able to just leave.

“you seem well, Weasley.”

She relaxed a little when he was polite. “You too, Malfoy. How’s life been treating you?”

“Not well. How about you?”

“I’ve been alright. My brother died thanks to the damn war, but we’re managing.”

“That’s good. That- that you're managing, not that... not that your brother died.”

Finally Harry came back but Granger still seemed to have worries and didn’t let the fact that Draco was right there stop her from sharing them. “His track record is against him.”

“Granger, you should know more than anyone else that people aren’t who they were. The war changed me, widened my view, and made me realize I wasn’t living life.” He rested his face on his fist, something he would normally get scolded for, and once again had a hard time meeting anyone in eye contact. He kept his gaze down on the grain of the wood and his mind on the river. “People are also not their parents. You, for example, are a very talented witch when neither of your parents are magic.”

Granger was taken aback. “T-That’s... so nice? I think?”

“It’s meant to be a compliment, yes.”

“That’s so nice! Thank you, Malfoy.” She finally sat again.

Harry sat next to Draco and nudged him to see if he’d look up. “What are you doing?” He whispered, “Why is this your idea of showing care?”

Harry turned to him and tapped his shoulder to make him look up again. “I’m trying to include you with my friends. Is it not, is it not how you wanted-?”

“No offense, Harry, it feels weird calling you that, but being over here is only making people give me looks and getting instantly criticized isn’t my idea of a good time.” He tapped the table and went to stand.

“Why don’t we do something just us, then?”

Draco briefly smirked but scoffed at himself for letting himself even fancy about Harry asking him out. He realized he hadn’t answered and said the first thing that he immediately thought of. “Are you asking me on a date, Potter?”

Harry’s cheeks went red. Since they were whispering no one else heard but Harry still had to cover his face to hide himself from the question. He so desperately wanted to say yes but his conscious convinced him not to.

“Potter?” Draco asked, almost panicking. Had he already ruined his one chance at getting in good with his dearest obsession? Obsession isn’t the right word, he didn’t lay awake trying to think of ways to get Potter to notice him every night, he would only allow his mind to consider how life would be different, better even, if Harry would just talk to him once in awhile when he was feeling particularly lonely. He simply fancied the chosen one, he like many others, he supposed. There’s no way he would be Potter’s first, second or even fiftieth choice for anything but a pity friend who he would occasionally talk to, he told himself.

“No,” his voice cracked and he was having a hard time keeping himself at a whisper volume, “Ma-Draco, I was just asking if you wanted to hang out, alone. We can get to know each other or something...”

“That sounds an awful lot like a date.” He mentally told himself to shut up. He was digging himself into a hole and he’d be unable to climb out if he kept going. “But, I have nothing else going on so might as well.”

Harry lit up. “Great!” He then drew back in thought. “Where would we go? I can’t think of anywhere that we won’t get in trouble for being-”

“Oh, shit!” Hermione cursed, getting up, “I have to go study. It’s also curfew, so we better get our asses up those stairs.” Ginny got up to, since the four of them were pretty much the only ones left at that table. “We can talk about this,” she eyed Malfoy, “tomorrow.”

Harry watched the ladies get up. “Oh, um, I’ll be right up you guys go without me.”

“Alright.” Ginny looked like she had to hold off from making a rude comment and instead forced a smile at Draco.

Once they were alone Harry got to his feet and offered a hand to Draco. He refused and got up on his own, sliding his hands into his pockets as an excuse for not touching Harry. They walked together in silence back out through the front door into the cold night.

It was nights like these that made Draco realize just how alone he was. He was isolated in the cold Slytherin common room, not even the merefolk would look in his direction and they loved to mess with the students. They walked down to the boathouse. Where Professor Snape died. That only made them both think about how many other people died within just the last year. And who did Draco think he was to think his name being added on that list would go noticed? He’d be lumped with the other death eaters that aren’t exactly missed and he wasn’t even a good one so the ones that remain would skip over his name.

Harry took off his shoes, rolled up his jeans and stuck his feet in the water while sitting on the edge of the rocks. It was very cold and he regretted doing so, but his eyes watched the water ripple before pulling them out. By the time the water had started to still Draco was staring out ahead of them. Harry watched the reflection that was being lit by the moon as it crossed its arms and let out a heavy sigh.

“Hey, Draco?” Harry asked, breaking him out of his thoughts.

He met the eyes of Harry’s reflection, finding it easier than the real pair. “Yeah?”

“Were you actually thinking about jumping earlier?”

His eyes welled with tears as he nodded and his shoulders softened. “I’ve been thinking about it for months.”

“And what stopped you before today?”

“I haven’t come as close as I came today before. Usually there’s too many people where I want to do it or something stupid like that.”

They were silent for a while. Finally Draco sat next to Harry. “That’s actually a lie. I did attempt once before today, I tried to throw myself down a set of stairs but all it did was break a few ribs and send me to the infirmary.”

“Draco... I’m so sorry.”

“And I’m sorry that I’m unloading all of this onto you. I do have a question for you if you’re willing. I want to know why you actually stopped me. I thought you wanted to get rid of me.”

“No! Merlin, no!” He told himself to stop there. He told himself that he had already shared enough and he should stop, but his tongue didn’t listen. “I... really do care about you, Draco. I’m sorry that it took seeing you on the verge of-“ he stopped himself, he couldn’t even bare saying suicide, “on the verge of doing something you can’t undo for me to let you know that.”

“I’m sorry too. I hate sharing feelings with anyone. I hate feelings in general. Because of them I haven’t had a good day in a long while, and because of them I feel empty all the time.”

Harry leaned onto Draco. They were having a tender moment for the first time ever and he wanted to take it as far as he could. It was already very personal and even more so considering they fought on opposite sides of a war not too long ago. 

Now’s his chance, if Draco could just get the words to his mouth and say-

“Hey, Draco?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we be friends? For real? I enjoy your company and I wouldn’t mind at all having you more often.”

Draco smiled. That’s not what he had been wishing for in his wildest fantasy but it was up there. “Of course.”

“Thank you.”

They waited a while longer in mostly silence while Draco could feel his heart in his ears since Harry was leaning on him. At some point they agreed it was getting late and that they should get going. They walked separate from each other, something Draco started since he was hoping his heart would slow a bit. 

 

Draco woke up the next day feeling warmer than normal. He was still alone, there’s no denying that, but at least he had a friend? Once he was dressed and stepped out into the main common room it like usual went silent. His joy dropped as he tried to wave a little to diffuse the tension.

“Look at who it is.” Pansy Parkinson commented when she got to her feet. “Potter’s new toy.”

“What?”

“What?” Parkinson mocked, shoving Draco. “Don’t think none of us saw you in cohorts with that filthy half blood. How’s it feel being a replacement for the damn blood traitor Weasley? That’s all he’ll see you as, you know.”

“I’m glad Weasley didn’t come back. His lot is just as bad as mudbloods if you ask me.” Notts remarked once he knew Parkinson was going to win the argument. Being a Slytherin didn’t mean sticking up for your friends it meant sticking with whoever will give you the most power and Draco did the first thing new Slytherins learn not to, and show ‘less than ideal emotions.’

“Oh, don’t be a pussy.” Parkinson hit him when she saw him cast his eyes low in defeat.

“Is the baby gonna cry to his daddy?” Notts used his fists to mimic crying, getting laughs from some other students. “Don’t think I don’t hear you when you cry yourself to sleep, faggot.”

It was the last word in the sentence that made Draco snap. He pulled his wand out and aimed it to Notts but before he could get a hex out there were a dozen other wands aimed at him.

“I’m soo scared. Oh,” Notts dramatically leaned back on the fifth year behind him who only caught him out of fear, “You’ll leave me as broken as your home.”

“Entomorphis!” He finally shouted but before anyone was able to realize what spell it was he disapparated as quickly as he could. Unfortunately, he didn’t have a solid idea of somewhere to go so he landed hard on his side in a bunch of rocks with his wand arm stinging. It was bright and his eyes hadn’t adjusted as he rolled to push himself up. “Fuck...” He let out when his wand arm proved to be in too much pain for him to use to get up. He was stuck sitting on his knees for a minute as he processed he was down by the boathouse again. For someone who wanted to die so bad he couldn’t handle pain very well.

As he stood he had to wipe his bleeding nose with his wrist. His body hadn’t been ready to apparate then so now it’s trying to catch up to the increase of height and all the other new senses around him. He decided he wasn’t going to go to Madam Pomfrey, blaming himself for the numbness. He staggered to the Great Hall where he refused to look anywhere but the floor ahead of him. He also refused to continue caring for himself, not really caring about the blood dripping down his lips and chin nor the way it felt as though he had a cut on his side from his landing.

“Holy shit! Are you okay?” He heard Harry question as he came closer. “What happened?”

“I fell.”

“From where?” He sat across from him and had to stop himself from reaching across to touch Draco’s face. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” He then looked up and saw a couple Slytherin students entering probably looking for him. “Shit...”

“What’s wrong?”

“I have to go.”

“Go where?!”

“Anywhere but here—“ But it was too late Parkinson had spotted him and looked furious.

“You turned Notts into a bug!? You foul-!” She shouted at him, raising her wand as though she were preparing a curse.

“Protego.” Harry whispered to Draco, but that only made Parkinson look at him.

“Potter.” She growled, “What do you think you are doing, Potter? This is the Slytherin table.”

Harry was at a loss for words.

“Because we are friends. Now, if you’ll excuse us we were having a conversation before you so rudely interrupted.” Draco answered, his full scowl making a comeback for the first time in a while. He also felt his chest get warm from calling Harry his friend, pride in his words. “Harry, care if we move this elsewhere?”

“Of course. Yeah.” He agreed blindly, only standing since Draco did. They walked in silence out past the courtyard again. There Draco fell to a sitting position and covered his face with his good, not numb hand. “Oh shit. What’s wrong?”

“Fuck.” Was his response delivered in a cry. 

Harry went down with him, putting an arm around his back. He didn’t know what to say and just let Draco cry into his hands. Draco was muttering some things but they weren’t audible between the whines and gasps for air.

They sat there for awhile and stayed silent even after Draco’s sniffling stopped. They knew they missed their first hour and maybe even their second, but being seventh years and both boys being extremely well known by all their professors they were probably fine to skip a few hours. Not to mention how if something was emergency enough to get Draco fucking Malfoy to cry it was probably a good enough excuse to skip.

“I’m sorry.” Harry finally whispered to break the silence.

“You didn’t do anything.” Draco sighed. “Well, not on purpose you didn’t.”

“What happened? With both what happened back in the great hall and with all this.” He motioned at his blooded up face. “Do you mind telling me?”

“Umm... Fuck. I don’t want to worry you about it.”

“No, please, tell me.”

He hesitated but sighed. “The other Slytherins... are bullying me for being associated with you.”

“Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything. I’m not sure if I want to continue. I’m going to, though. They said I was just your play thing or something. They- Notts- also made comments about Weasley. I know I used to, too, but you know. They, um.” He stopped to consider whether or not he wanted to continue. The way Harry looked like he was so caught up in the words he was saying made him keep talking. “They also called me, um, well, a faggot.”

Harry seemed startled by the word, “Are you?”

“Am I a faggot?” He looked right at Harry, but Potter couldn’t read his face.

Harry looked panicked. “N-No- not- oh dear.”

“Are you asking if I’m gay?”

“Um... Yeah. That question, not the one...” He stuttered, “N-not that I really care,” he awkwardly laughed, “I mean I care since we’re friends but.” he put his hands in his lap. “I’m going to shut up now.”

Draco glanced down at his lap again. He prepared himself, these were words that he had never said to anyone. He laughed nervously before speaking, “Yeah. Maybe I’m not gay but I am attracted to men. What about you?”

“What about me?”

“What’s your sexualitiy?”

Harry took a moment to think. “I’m not sure. I know I like women, but, there are some men I like. Not many, but usually people I’m friends with, you know?”

Draco’s heart skipped a beat. He had a chance; a very small chance, but a chance nonetheless. “Yeah. Like Weasley friend or more of a Thomas friend?”

Harry laughed. “Weasley because he’s my type. Thomas is alright but just not my type, you know? Both Weasley's actually, but I think Ginny is more interested in girls so I’m trying to drop that crush now.”

Draco felt his heart drop. He hadn’t considered the possibility of Harry having a crush on someone else.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” He hit Draco’s shoulder playfully. “Do you think we should head in?”

Draco nodded. Harry got up first and offered him a hand which was once again refused in favor of getting up on his own. He didn’t trust himself to not get himself psyched up from the contact. He was hopeless. They walked a little farther away from each other on the way back in. Draco didn't want any more attention simply for being close to someone else. When they separated to continue with their classes Draco made sure to distance himself from the other people in his house.

 

A few more days past as the pair got closer to each other. Draco was helpless as his crush got harder and harder to ignore. It even got to the point where he actually masterbaited once or twice to the thought of Harry, even if he wasn’t super proud of it. It’s just... Harry was so pretty and now that they were getting close he had such a nice personality. He was so attracted to the boy who lived and it was embarrassing.

He also got a lot better at avoiding the people in his house over the course of a few weeks.

And finally he found himself out on the bridge one more time. He hadn’t been back since Harry found him and being there again he wasn’t even considering jumping. He just watched the stream below and asked himself why he even wanted to jump in the first place. It had become a habit of Harry and Draco to meet each other out there every Saturday, Wednesday and Friday that Quidditch games weren’t going on. Today was a Saturday and while Draco was a little early he told himself it was to think. He wanted to come clean to Harry and this was the last weekend until he went back home for Winter holiday.

“Thinking about ending it, pussy?” Draco heard from a familiar voice not to far from him.

“Not now, Parkinson.”

“Right, because you have to wait for you boyfriend.” She remarked, even though what she said wasn’t even offensive she said it like it was. “Notts told me you manned up enough to stop crying yourself to sleep.”

“Being a man has nothing to do with not having feelings, Parkinson.” He answered without looking up at her.

“But it does have to do with jerking it. He told me you have some rather sexy dreams.” She mimicked moaning, running her hands up and down her own body. “Potter.” She moaned then laughed and hit Draco’s side. “Who knew you were such a pervert?”

Before Draco could get out “Fuck off, Parkinson” he felt the presence of another person. He panicked- whoever could have listened to what she was saying would not bring anything good to him. He turned and saw Harry Potter. Parkinson gave Draco a dirty smile. “H-Harry. Hi.”

He raised his brow. “Hello.”

“Hi, Potter. Fancy seeing you here.”

“Greetings, Parkinson. Do you mind? Draco and I were counting on being in solitude.”

“Oh~?” She sung.

“Yes. We’re going to snog so unless you want to watch I suggest you get going.” Harry announced and put an arm around Draco’s shoulders and looked to him. “Right, babe?”

Draco’s entire face had turned red and he had to look at the floor ahead of him.

Harry laughed and pulled him closer. “Yeah, we do get a bit racy. I can understand you don’t want to talk about it.” He subtly pushed Draco’s head into his neck and thanked Merlin he was willing to play along.

Parkinson looked mad but turned with her nose turned up. She left in disgust.

“Is she gone?” Draco whined since he was too afraid to look up. He could literally feel himself getting weak at the knees and every part of his body was sweaty as he had his face buried in Harry’s neck.

Harry waited longer than he needed to, simply to have Draco as close to him as possible without fear of resistance. “Yeah.”

“Quick thinking, Harry.” He mumbled. He was still shaking and by the way Harry still had an arm around his shoulders he knew he wouldn’t be getting over it soon.

“Thanks. It was the first thing I thought of.” He nervously laughed and then mumbled, “Though I wouldn’t mind if that was what we were actually doing.”

“What was that?” Draco hopefully whispered.

“W-What was what?”

“What did you say?” He repeated, looking down at him in awe. “You won’t mind?”

Harry felt himself get tense. But he figured it wasn’t worth lying. “...No..?”

“No?” Draco repeated quietly, “W-would you... w-would you mind if I did snog you? Right now?”

“Go ahead?”

They both felt their hearts in their throats as Draco look a deep breath and leaned down to put his lips on Harry’s but kind of backed away a little. He felt soft breathing on his mouth and when he opened his eyes even just slightly Harry had too. Harry swallowed his pride and took the last move to put his lips on the barely cared for and chapped lips of his friend. Draco had been expecting it but still gasped from the touch.

Draco had to pull back after just seconds of being in the embrace. His face was still as red as a tomato and he ended up staring at Harry with a huge grin.

“That was nice.” He mumbled.

“Yeah.” Harry agreed. He then bit his lip and adjusted how he was standing. “Hey, Draco? Can I tell you something?”

“Go ahead.”

Harry smiled. “I have had... I’ve had a crush on you for a little while.”

Draco felt his entire body get warmer. “Really? How long?”

“Umm.. Oh dear. I don’t know exactly, but a little longer than we’ve been friends.”

“That’s good to know. I’ll tell you something, too. I have had a crush on you, too,” he nervously laughed, “since second year or something.”

“And you never told me?!”

“We were enemies until a month ago!”

Harry bit his lip. “Do you want to even continue being friends?”

Draco’s eyes lit up. “Are you asking me on a date?”

Harry nodded.

**Author's Note:**

> To be continued???
> 
> (Probably not)


End file.
